Does anyone know where I am?
by hannahsmetana
Summary: A text message conversation between the group. Set during the holidays before S4. Based on a prompt from lesoleilluna's Ficathonon Live Journal by us overlooked. Prompt: Study Group - (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?


_This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?_

Message sent

You have 4 new messages.

**Britta:** _I'm not falling 4 that again. C u l8r._

**Abed:** _Do you have corporeal form?_

**Troy:** _This is like the beginning of that Inspector Spacetime episode where the internet starts eating people! Don't click on the alien wifi!_

**Annie:** _Do you know who you are? Did you bump your head? Hold up your hand and count how many fingers you're holding up. Is there any blood on you?_

Incoming call: Annie

Call ended.

_I don't have enough battery for calls. It's dark. I'm outside. I'm not injured. I definitely exist. I haven't been eaten by the internet but I have NO IDEA where I am. Can't get enough bars for Google maps. Any ideas?_

Message sent

You have 3 new messages

**Troy:** _You've been mapcrunched for real? I am so jealous right now. Usually I try to find a road first. Unless there are penguins. That's a game over._

**Abed:** _Check for penguins. If no, proceed to road. Did you press anything other than N?_

**Annie:** _Thank goodness you're ok. When it wouldn't connect I thought you'd fallen unconscious. Check for any identifying landmarks. Or a road._

_Guys this is NOT mapcrunch! I didn't just appear out of thin air. That doesn't actually happen. I hear road noise. I'll text when I find it._

Message sent

You have a new message

**Britta:** _shit I thought u were hounding me. This is 4 realsies? Were u at a bar? I no this may b hard but its possible u were assaulted. U dont have 2b ashamed. Men can b victims of male assault 2. If u need sum1 2 talk 2 im right here._

_I'm pretty sure men are the only victims of male assault. And I was not assaulted so you don't get to therapize me better. The only assault I've suffered is your 90s text speak assaulting my eyeballs._

Message deleted

_I'm ok, haven't been assaulted or mugged. Just don't remember how I got here. Doesn't feel like a hangover. Do have a killer headache tho. Don't tell Annie, she'll panic. Thanks._

Message sent

You have a new message

**Pierce:** _\gay.,_

_I've found a freeway. Can't see any signs. Why is this happening? Whose god did I offend?_

Message sent

You have 3 new messages

**Troy:** _Cool - just travel up the freeway til you hit an exit. You can go faster by clicking really far away._

**Annie:** _You should walk away from the freeway. It's on the edge of town and you probably wouldn't have managed to cross it on foot so you must be walking away from town._

**Shirley:** _There is only one true God Jeffrey. Your refusal to believe is probably what got you in this mess in the first place. I'm praying for your soul._

_Troy, I can't walk up the freeway, and I definitely can't click my way up it. This is NOT mapcrunch. Shirley, thank you for your judgement. I'm going to walk away from the freeway and hopefully towards town._

Message sent

_Guys, I'm back where I started and I just tripped over an empty bottle of chloroform. Why have I been chloroformed? Annie, if this is you teaching me another lesson I'll use real bullets this time._

Message sent

You have 6 new messages

**Troy:** _Dude! Tell me you didn't just threaten to kill Annie!_

**Shirley:** _Oh Jeffrey, that's not nice. Your soul's on its own._

**Britta:** _Ur such a jag. Apologize right now._

**Abed:** _Reference to some sort of side adventure. Cool cool cool. It can't have been Annie though. I made her tip her chloroform away after she used it on the landlord._

**Annie:** _Why would you assume it's me? You've made it perfectly clear that I have nothing to teach you that you'd be interested in learning. And I know you think I'm crazy but I don't just go around chloroforming people._

**Pierce:** _Way to be a dick winger _

_Oh my god! Are we in high school? It was a joke!_

Message sent

_Come on guys_

Message sent

_Ok. I'm sorry. Especially to Annie. My humor may be a bit shot as I appear to be recovering from being chloroformed. I still have no idea where I am._

Message sent

You have 6 new messages

**Shirley:** _Baby Jesus would forgive you. I do too._

**Troy:** _It's ok man. That stuff is harsh. Annie used it on me when I left the toilet seat up._

**Pierce:** _pussy.-: Never apologize,_

**Annie:** _Apology accepted. Can you see something to figure out where you are yet?_

**Abed:** _Do you have a compass app?_

**Britta:** _Ur on ure way to lonerville if you don't stop being such a douche._

_Pierce, that is never appropriate. I don't have a compass app and can't get 3g signal to download one. I still can't see anything that places me. There are just pine trees. I guess that means I'm still in Colorado._

Message sent

You have 2 new messages

**Pierce:** _Man up winger a little insult wont hurt you:*_

**Abed:** _I think you might be in the Greendale black hole. Keep going._

_Abed this isn't Inspector Spacetime either_

Message sent

_I just fell down a bank and rolled into a football goal. I think I might be on the sports field..._

Message sent

You have 3 new messages

**Annie:** _Oh my! Are you ok? Does anything hurt?_

**Shirley:** _Be careful Jeffery. I hope you are ok._

**Britta:** _Ha! Karmas a bitch_

_Thanks for your concern ladies. Especially Britta. I'm in the school parking lot. Thanks for all your help. I'm gonna go home now and shower, I smell strangely of fish. I have no idea why I woke up on the middle of nowhere smelling of fish. Let's chalk it down to Greendale final year high jinks. I'll see you guys next week for start of term. Jeff._

Message sent


End file.
